Co-parenting After Divorce Guidelines by Rosemary Fansher, M. A.

Co-Parenting Guidelines

1.  Every child has the right to have a happy childhood, free of unnecessary stress, parental fighting and bickering, parental alienation, being put in the middle, being embarrassed by his parents’ behavior, being exposed to or made aware of court documents, hearings, attorney visits, etc.

2.  Do not discuss your problems with or feelings about the other parent in front of your child or on the telephone where he can overhear what you are saying about his other parent.  Do not discuss legal matters with your attorney or anyone else where the child can hear.  Do not allow any significant other, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband, friend or family member disparage your child’s other parent in front of the child. 

3.  When your child calls the other parent or if the other parent calls your child while in your care, please remember to give him/her privacy and quiet when he is on the phone.  No speaker phones are allowed and no one else needs to be in the room monitoring everything he says.  Get in the habit of telling your child that his other parent is going to call at a certain time so he will not be preoccupied with a movie or television or other things.  Make that a special time for him.  Allow him to go to his room or walk to some designated area of your home where he can have privacy and can talk freely.

4.  Please call each other and refer to each other by first name.  You have known each other for many years, loved each other, had a baby together.  It is much more civil and healthy for your child to hear you call the other parent by their first name as opposed to “Mr. Smith” and “Mrs. Baker.” 

5.  Both of you need to express a desire to have a civil relationship with each other now and in the future.  YOU must be willing to change old patterns, embrace new patterns to co-parenting, be civil to each other for the sake of your child.  Even if you have not been kind to the other parent in the past, today is a new day.  Begin again and choose to act in a mature, healthy way for your child.  You CAN do it.  Put your child first from now on.  He has given up enough.  Now it is your turn to give up a few things:  being right, being selfish, making things easier on yourself, trying to make things convenient for yourself, having the last word, bringing up the past, being unwilling to forgive and move forward.

6.  There is no excuse for your child not being able to speak with his/her parent for more than a day.  Encourage your child to call his other parent at least once a day or at the very least, every other day.  If, however, it works best for the parent to call the child, then do nothing to hinder or avoid that important phone call from your child’s other parent.  There is no place for games, not answering the phone, or avoiding the phone call and never having the child call the parent back.  This is disrespectful and teaches your child to disrespect his parent and to be deceptive, too.  These are not lessons you want your child to learn from you.  That will backfire on you later.  Always inform the other parent of where the child is, address and phone number where he can reached if on a trip, give an itinerary to the parent before you leave town, and have your child call Mom/Dad every day just to touch base and so Mom/Dad won’t worry.

7.  Remember:  whatever you go through, your child goes through.  It hurts children emotionally to see two grown adults who once loved each other fight and argue about everything.  It also hurts them emotionally to see parents going to court all the time to settle the simplest of things.  That is NOT the way to teach conflict resolution skills to your child.  Do not REACT------merely RESPOND.  Always treat the other parent like you would want to be treated. 

9.  Of course, there  should not be any drinking or smoking in front of your child and do not allows others to do so.  He should never be in the car with anybody who has been drinking.  There should be no cussing or foul language in front of your child.  Whatever words he hears come out of your mouth to others, believe me, those same words will come back at you at a later date.  If you don’t cuss or allow anyone in your presence to cuss, it’s amazing how your child will learn that you do not tolerate bad behavior from anyone----not even him when he is a teenager or adult.  You have to set the standards NOW when he is young.  Of course, your child should not be exposed to any form of abuse of any kind.  He should not be exposed to X-rated or pornographic materials, movies with explicit sexual content, Internet, etc. 

9.  Neither parent will question or grill the child about events or persons at his other home.  It is nice to say something like, “Tell me about how much fun you had at Mom/Dad/s home,”  but do NOT ask, “Well, tell me, was that WOMAN/MAN in the house again? Did he/she sleep alone or with your Mommy/Daddy?”  Do not ask, “Was your step-mother/step-father NICE to you this time?”  “Do you want to live with Mommy or Daddy?”  “Where do you have more fun----at Dad’s or Mom’s?”  Do not ask your child to keep a secret from the other parent.  Do not ask your child to spy for you at his other home.

10.  It would be extremely beneficial for your child if the two of you could agree on what forms of discipline should be used for misbehavior.  Small infractions should receive light discipline.  Bigger problems should receive more serious discipline.  Some experts have said no discipline should last more than 24 hours in length.  That is up to you and it depends on the offense.  It would be great if you two could come up with creative ideas of what consequences there will be for misbehavior of various kinds.  You need to be consistent with discipline just like you should be consistent with bedtimes, times to get up for school, etc.  How confusing it can be for a child when he misbehaves, for example, he tells a lie or is dishonest in some way and one parent takes away all privileges, all television, Ipods, computers, makes him go to bed at 7 instead of 8, for example, and does all of this for eight weeks, and the other parent says, “Well, darling you should not lie, but you learned that from your Daddy/Mommy, so I am not going to punish you at all.  You’re just like your Mommy/Daddy!  It’s not your fault.”  These are true-real-life examples of bad parenting or no parenting skills.  The only person who suffers is the child. 

11.  Reward good behavior.  Do not reward bad behavior.  Anyone who has ever trained a dog knows that even a dog responds better to positive reinforcement than negative.  You can make a dog eventually do what you want by beating him or shaming him or withholding food from him (all abuse), but he will suffer internally, emotionally, mentally, physically, he might turn into a mean, hostile dog and nobody will want to be around him.  He will be filled with so much anger, it will come out at everyone he comes into contact with.  The same is for a child.  All of us have been unfortunate enough to it at the table next to a child who acts out, yells at his parent or sibling, hits people or animals, throws tantrums, and all the rest, until the parents give in and give him what he wants.  And parents wonder, “Where on earth did he learn to act like that?  Why is he so angry?  Why is he so sad?” or whatever the situation is.  Look at what he has been fed-------kindness, gentleness, respect, love, soft voices, comfort or has he been fed a constant diet of bitterness, anger, shame, worry, conflict, foul language, hatred, yelling?  You are what you eat and you are what you have been around.  Remember the poem, “Children Learn What They Live.”  It’s true.  It has been said we become just like the ones we hang around.  I have seen many examples of this----good and bad.

12.  The biological parents do the disciplining, not step-parents, not boyfriends/girlfriends, other family members.  It is YOUR responsibility to raise a positive, happy, healthy, well-mannered, pleasant-to-be-around child who will grow into an adult with the same qualities.  Parenting is incredibly hard work if done correctly.  Unfortunately you do not see much of the fruit of your labor until the child is grown and gone from your home.  Then the world will see what kind of job you did with this precious child you were given to nurture and love for the first 18 years of his life.  He is watching you every moment of every day, learning how to treat people, how to treat himself, how to love, how to hate, how to forgive, how to let go, how to speak, how to write, how to eat, how to sleep.  We really are products of our environments more than we like to acknowledge. 

13.  Instead of saying, “I miss you!” when your child is with the other parent, say, “I love you!” 

14.  Never, ever pass messages, notes, money, cards, objects to return, child support papers, etc. through your child. 

15.  In emails you write to one another keep the letters BIFF in mind.  Be BRIEF, INFORMATIVE, FRIENDLY, AND FIRM.  This acronym is mentioned in the book,

It’s All YOUR Fault by Bill Eddy, Esq. who has found it helpful with high-conflict families.

16.  Love your child more than you hate your ex.

17.  In a difficult situation or when trying to discuss your child with each other, remember these letters:  EAR.  Give the other parent EMPATHY, ATTENTION, and RESPECT.  Then, when you need to be heard and need to vent, your former partner will do the same for you.  Again, this is mentioned in the book It’s All YOUR Fault by Eddy.

18.  The most important gift you will ever give your child in his lifetime is the gift of a strong co-parenting relationship.  By doing so, you are removing stress, doubt, pain, and much suffering from his life now and in the future when he tries to be successful at relationships.  You are also building his self-esteem and strengthening his identity.  You are allowing your child to love both parents and himself.  No one else can give him this gift.  No one but you.  Your child’s future depends on it. 

19.  If and when you ever re-marry, remember to consider your child’s feelings about the new spouse or “step-parent.”  Do not encourage or allow your child to call the step-parent “Mommy” or “Daddy.”  Those are terms of endearment reserved for only one person in life.  Help them to find another way of expressing their affection or love for their step-parent.  If your child has serious reservations or concerns about the new love of your life, listen to your child and do whatever is necessary to find out why he/she feels that way.  Perhaps attend some sessions of family counseling or consult with your pastor or other respected mentor for answers before you enter into marriage with that person.  Blended families are hard work and the divorce rate for second marriages with children is about 70%. 

20.  Above all else, remember in every situation, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!  It’s all about your child.

Divorce: Why It's Important Not to Alienate Children from their Parents

by Rosemary Fansher, M.A.  aka HighConflictExpert

     I have been a High Conflict Expert for many years.  Sometimes I feel like I have seen and heard it all! One of my jobs as a high conflict expert is being court-appointed as a Parenting Coordinator for high-conflict couples.  A Parenting Coordinator is an exceptionally well-trained professional in the area of conflict resolution.  We must have at least a Master's degree and years of advanced training.  As a Parenting Coordinator, I have seen first-hand the result that parents' hatred has on their children. It is devastating to the children and it affects them all of their lives. There are many reasons it is important not to alienate your child to or from the other parent.  From my vast amount of research and many years of experience with high-conflict couples, I will attempt to enlighten you to just a few of them.
     The best reason I can think of not to alienate your child from his or her other parent is because your child is part you, part the other parent. It has been said, "If you say something bad about my parent, you are insulting my DNA!" Any insult you hurl towards your child's parent hurts your child because he or she is a part of that former lover or spouse.  One of the most harmful and hurtful statements I have ever heard came from a father who said to his young daughter, "You're a bitch just like your Mother."  Except for a miracle from God, there is little way that daughter can overcome her father's cruel, demeaning words and verbal abuse. 
Words are powerful and when they come from an authority figure, in this case, from a father, they are even more powerful. Children look to their parents for a sense of who they are. When a parent tells a child she is a "bitch," subconsciously she will do her best to prove him right. Is it any surprise that  this same child became unruly, rebellious, negative, and impossible for anybody to get along with?
     Be very careful what you say to your children. They follow your example and oftentimes repeat your mistakes. They will say to their children what they have heard and they will treat people like they were treated. They call other people names they were called. If they were verbally abused, they more often than not become verbal abusers and the cycle continues. The only way to stop the cycle of abuse is to never start it. Some call it "generational sin." It is passed down from one generation to another.
Your example and what your children see you do always speaks louder than what you tell them to do. There's a lot of truth in the old adage, "Your actions scream so loudly that I cannot hear a word that you are saying."
     Another reason not to alienate your child from their other parent is because hatred breeds hatred. A child learns what he lives, as the saying goes. When a parent hurts the other parent, you are only hurting your child. Even if you don't care anything about the other parent anymore, even if you don't care about being a kind person yourself, at the very least, think of your child! You are destroying your child's self-esteem with your actions and words.
     Children have the right to grow up in peace and free of conflict. They did not get to choose their parents. It is not their fault that the two of you can't get along. Remember this: once, a long time ago, before you hated each other's guts, you were madly in love with each other and couldn't get enough of each other. There is something wrong within you and your ex-spouse that caused such great love to turn to hatred. Find out what that something is because you will keep repeating the same mistakes thoughout your life.
Don't be fooled. Your children will eventually "figure it out," so to speak, if you try to manipulate, control, or alienate them from their other parent. Your attempts will backfire on you. Your child will resent you for stealing their childhood, filling it with arguing and fighting and putting them in the middle of adult situations and conversations. You have polluted their memories and you have stolen their innocence. Someday they will probably be sitting in a therapist's office, trying amid many tears to forgive you and make some sense of their own relationships and life. Spare them this pain, please.
     Treasure and nurture your child and love him or her more than you hate your former lover. That's the key - - -love more than you hate. Put your child's needs before your own. It is a scary thought to a child that you once loved their other parent and then suddenly, for some unknown reason, you told yourself that love died. Then they think the love you have for them could die, too, if they do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing.
A very foolish man once said, "Sometimes love lets go." He was wrong.  Dead wrong.  Love never lets go. It never gives up. It holds on. Love "believes all things, endures all things, love never fails," the Bible says. Give your children the security of knowing love does not die and that you will not someday stop loving them. All people need unconditional love. There is no other kind. Conditional love is not real love. It is based on behavior or circumstances and is unstable and immature. Teach your children how to love fully and completely and unconditionally.
     If you want to have a well-adjusted, likable, successful child, do not say anything negative about the other parent in the child's presence and do not allow others to do so. Emphasize the good qualities they received from both parents and from God. Illustrate respect and love to all people and that includes the one with whom you chose to create a child.